I Said No.

For the first time in over 20 years, I said no to a family Thanksgiving invitation.

Not because I don’t love my family.
Not because there was conflict.
But because my nervous system finally made it clear: “You don’t want to do this… and you don’t have to.”

We get stuck in the loop of “This is how it’s always been done” or “It’s tradition.”
But traditions aren’t sacred laws. They’re agreements, ones we’re allowed to update as we grow, change, and learn what we truly want and need.

Yet when you “break tradition” or make a choice that goes against the group expectation, people may say you are difficult, antisocial, or rude.

So why does it make others uncomfortable when you just choose something different?

Here’s the nervous-system explanation:

We are wired for co-regulation which means we feel safer when the group is in sync. So when one person changes the script, others’ nervous systems interpret it as unpredictability or even threat.

That discomfort has nothing to do with you being wrong. It’s their biology reacting to change.

Many people also subconsciously rely on holiday traditions to anchor their sense of stability. When you make a new choice, it highlights the option for them to do the same and that can feel scary.

In other words: Your boundary presses on their underlying discomfort.

BUT...that doesn’t mean you should abandon yourself to keep the peace.

Here's what our Thanksgiving looked like this year:

• No turkey

• No stuffing

• No mashed potatoes

• No food coma or alcohol hangover

• No schedule

• No pressure

We woke up when we wanted. Had a slow, late breakfast. I hopped on a live Peloton ride. We went to see Zootopia 2 (so cute). Came home and relaxed.
Grilled out burgers and salmon for dinner. And my husband made a blueberry pie—for the first time ever.

Just the three of us.
Zero stress.
Zero performance.
Just presence.

My nervous system felt calm and grounded the entire day.

Why Is Saying “No” So Hard? Here's the science:

Even when the “no” is the healthiest choice, your body might resist it because:

1. Your brain is wired for belonging.

The amygdala(part of the brain) treats potential rejection the same way it treats physical danger. Saying no can make you feel like your safety is at risk even when you’re perfectly safe.

2. People pleasing is a survival strategy.

If you grew up mediating tension, smoothing conflict, or keeping the peace, your nervous system learned that harmony = safety. This was my go-to strategy my entire life!

3. Predictability calms the nervous system.

Tradition is predictable. Change is not.
Your body, and others’, may react before your mind even catches up.

4. Your vagus nerve is constantly scanning for cues of “safe vs. unsafe.”

If a situation feels demanding, overstimulating, or pressured, your body may slip into a stress response even if the environment looks “normal” from the outside.

So here’s my invitation to you:

What would it look like to build a holiday that honors your nervous system?

You don’t have to blow up tradition.
You don’t have to be confrontational.
You don’t need to swing from complete self-sacrifice to total withdrawal.

Start with titration or small steps:

• Leave an event early.

• Set one boundary.

• Skip the part that drains you the most.

• Create one activity that nourishes you.

• Build in recovery time before and after gatherings.

• Say “maybe” instead of automatically saying yes.

• Or—like I did—say no without apologizing for it.

Our bodies always keep score. They feel the pressure, the expectations, the “performing,” even when we try to smile through it. And they also feel the relief when we choose differently.

“When we shut down our needs to please others, our body keeps the score.” Gabor Mate

This year I didn’t shut myself down and my whole nervous system exhaled.
Maybe this is your year to let your body exhale too.